Eye of Sauron Says He ‘Blinked’ During Saruman’s Multi-Stab Suicide, Fall
BARAD-DÛR, MORDOR — In a statement that has baffled even the most loyal Orcs, the near omnipotent, all-seeing Eye of Sauron claimed yesterday that he was “momentarily distracted” when Saruman the White committed suicide by jumping from Orthanc Tower — an event authorities are calling a “self-defenestration involving multiple stab wounds to the back.”
“I may have blinked,” said the disembodied flaming eye from atop the Black Tower. “Even an ‘all-seeing’ flaming eye needs a break sometimes.” A spokesperson later confirmed the Eye had been prescribed medicinal eye drops.
Released footage from the Palantír (crystal ball) shows Gríma Wormtongue standing directly behind Saruman before the footage cuts out suddenly, after which Saruman proceeded to stab himself in the back and push himself off the tower. Footage provided courtesy of Wormtongue Productions LLC.
When pressed on his previous relationship with Saruman, Sauron shifted blame to his party planner, the Mouth of Sauron, who has since stated:
“Yes, Saruman hosted a private gala at the Black Tower in T.A. (Third Age year) 3002, but that doesn’t imply any close ties. There was no official guest list. Sure, Shelob, Gollum, and the Balrog of Moria were present — but that’s just standard networking in Mordor.”
Sources close to Barad-dûr confirmed that Saruman was a “frequent flyer” and hosted Sauron often. Eyewitnesses say Saruman “often arrived via giant Eagle, always, always in a leisurely white robe.”
Saruman’s parties came under scrutiny last year after it was revealed that Hobbits were in attendance, allegedly providing “foot massages” — defined in Saruman’s guest registry as “massages performed using Hobbit feet, not Hobbit hands.” Evidence shows that Uruk-hai were even dispatched to track down and “Hob-nap” halflings from the Shire.
Popular conspiracy theorist, “BROmir,” commented on social media “One does not simply stab oneself in the back nine times,” furthering doubts about the official story.